Sunday, June 1, 2014

The "Seven Miles from Alcatraz" Guide to Fighting Nazis

You never know when Nazis might make a comeback, so we turn to the 1942 film "Seven Miles From Alcatraz" for advice on what to do when goose steppers appear on your doorstep.

Greetings, everyone! My name is Champ. I am an escaped
prisoner and Nazi-fighting expert extraordinaire.
I also have a yen for yachting attire. 

My story begins at Alcatraz, where my friend Jimbo and
I are sitting out World War II -- OR SO WE THOUGHT!


Our troubles started when we busted out of Alcatraz one night.
The movie's budget isn't big enough to show you how we
actually did it.

All you get to see is the packing crate we hid under
to make our escape. As as inside joke, they put the name
of the producer on the crate. That's why the prop guys had
so much fun shooting holes in it.

We ended up at a lighthouse that was SEVEN MILES
FROM ALCATRAZ. Here we found the captain, his
daughter Anne and comic sidekick Stormy. aka the voice of Jiminy
Cricket. We punched him out because "Pinocchio" made us cry.

Meanwhile, in San Francisco, several Nazis were getting
ready to head our way and rendezvous with a German sub. 

I started warming up for the big fight the way I used
to with Jimbo back on the Rock.

Once the Nazis arrived, the other folks didn't quite know
how to fight them.

"Go away or I'll sing 'When You Wish Upon a Star"!"




"Go away or I'll throw myself off the top of the lighthouse!"




"Go away or I'll kiss this girder!"



Things were getting weird. And when one of the Nazis
unplugged the radio because he didn't like "Fibber McGee
and Molly," well, that was the last straw.

It was time for some Badly Choreographed Fighting...


... and for me to say witty things like, "Watch that first
step, Adolf! It's a lulu!"

Then it was all over. The Nazis were captured and Anne
said she'd wait for me to get out of prison. She's not
quite as cute as Jimbo, but she'll do.

And yet, it seems the last laugh goes to our Nazi friend. He
escaped, hid out in Hollywood and re-emerged in the 1960s
as the beloved Sgt. Schultz on TV's "Hogan's Heroes"!

So stay vigilant, America, and remember -- today's TV star
might become tomorrow's Nazi. Lookin' at you, Charlie Sheen! 

1 comment:

  1. Very funny! I'll think of your review if I ever see this film.

    ReplyDelete