|Greetings, everyone! My name is Champ. I am an escaped|
prisoner and Nazi-fighting expert extraordinaire.
I also have a yen for yachting attire.
|My story begins at Alcatraz, where my friend Jimbo and|
I are sitting out World War II -- OR SO WE THOUGHT!
|Our troubles started when we busted out of Alcatraz one night.|
The movie's budget isn't big enough to show you how we
actually did it.
|All you get to see is the packing crate we hid under|
to make our escape. As as inside joke, they put the name
of the producer on the crate. That's why the prop guys had
so much fun shooting holes in it.
|We ended up at a lighthouse that was SEVEN MILES|
FROM ALCATRAZ. Here we found the captain, his
daughter Anne and comic sidekick Stormy. aka the voice of Jiminy
Cricket. We punched him out because "Pinocchio" made us cry.
|Meanwhile, in San Francisco, several Nazis were getting|
ready to head our way and rendezvous with a German sub.
|I started warming up for the big fight the way I used|
to with Jimbo back on the Rock.
|Once the Nazis arrived, the other folks didn't quite know|
how to fight them.
|"Go away or I'll sing 'When You Wish Upon a Star"!"|
|"Go away or I'll throw myself off the top of the lighthouse!"|
|"Go away or I'll kiss this girder!"|
|Things were getting weird. And when one of the Nazis|
unplugged the radio because he didn't like "Fibber McGee
and Molly," well, that was the last straw.
|It was time for some Badly Choreographed Fighting...|
|... and for me to say witty things like, "Watch that first|
step, Adolf! It's a lulu!"
|Then it was all over. The Nazis were captured and Anne|
said she'd wait for me to get out of prison. She's not
quite as cute as Jimbo, but she'll do.
|And yet, it seems the last laugh goes to our Nazi friend. He|
escaped, hid out in Hollywood and re-emerged in the 1960s
as the beloved Sgt. Schultz on TV's "Hogan's Heroes"!
|So stay vigilant, America, and remember -- today's TV star|
might become tomorrow's Nazi. Lookin' at you, Charlie Sheen!