Sunday, July 6, 2014

"Them!" or Ant-y Maim

This time around on Motion Pictures Told Through Still Pictures with Goofy Captions (patent pending) we examine the 1954 film ...



Our story begins in the New Mexican desert, from a vantage
point that makes people look like ants -- GIANT MUTANT ANTS
CREATED BY THE RADIOACTIVITY OF THE ATOMIC BOMB!

Police officer James Whitmore is working with the plane
above to locate a little girl ... 

... they find her in shock, with a look of horror on her face
that can mean she's seen only one thing -- a "Keeping
Up with the Kardashians" marathon. 

And also because her family has been attacked by -- AAHHHH!
Oh, sorry -- that's a yucca tree.

That's better -- AAHHHHH! A giant ant with a face that
looks like the front of a 1953 Chrysler!

Called into the case are FBI agent Matt Dillon, who was
attending a Green Hornet cosplay convention ...

... and Dr. Kris Kringle, an ant expert (Matt Dillon brought
eyeshades for everybody.) 

Led by Dr. Kringle, the humans begin a
constructive dialogue with the giant ants. 

But there are a lot of giant ants and they're heading
toward Los Angeles, lured by promises of
nice weather and good-paying jobs. 

The ants end up living in the Los Angeles river basin
because they love the drag race scene from "Grease."

The authorities try to keep everyone calm.

Tired of being upstaged by Matt Dillon and Dr. Kringle, Whitmore invades
the ant lair in hopes of getting a Facebook selfie with the queen.

The lawmen find a nest of newborn queens and celebrate
the miracle of life by immolating them.

The city is saved -- but despite the most fervent wishes
of the little girl, "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" is
still on the air.


2 comments:

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