|It's a big day at MGM -- the stars of tomorrow are arriving|
from broken homes, orphanages, bawdy houses
and correctional facilities across America!
|Yes, here they are, teeming with energy and animal vitality --|
young performers with tomorrow on their minds.
Who will be the next Victor Potel? The next Maris Wrixon?
|Ralph Meeker, Jeff Richards and Robert Horton have made the|
first cut, all of them scoring especially well in the swimsuit
competition, judged by Van Johnson.
|Now they are at the MGM Training Academy, where they|
will be whipped into shape by such studio stalwarts as ...
|... James Craig and Keenan Wynn. Craig is still in costume from|
his latest picture, "The Guy Who Loved Wearing Short Ties."
The two men will put the hopefuls through a grueling initiation
that includes ...
|... emptying June Allyson's ash trays ...|
|... fixing Mario Lanza's three daily breakfasts ...|
|... and expressing the anal glands of|
Lana Turner's poodle.
|Finally, they must try to give Van Johnson a wedgie.|
Many are called, but few are chosen.
|Alas, Jeff Richards's option is dropped and despite the pleadings|
of Van Johnson, he is expelled from the studio.
|To avenge Richards, Meeker and Horton swear revenge|
on MGM studio head Dore Schary.
|Every day, Schary's ego is transported back and forth to|
MGM in a tractor-trailer, so Meeker and Horton
plan to hijack it. But they are foiled by the truck driver ...
|... Van Johnson.|
|Horton gets kicked off the studio lot, but he ends up|
in a popular TV western.
|And Meeker ends up getting into a hot tub|
-- at Van Johnson's house.
* The Clamdiggers' Marching Band Association.